So Boring...

So, I've graduated. Class of '07!! Ha! Well... life has been kinda boring. I don't go to school because I forgot to apply for college. I can't seem to find a job. So all I do is stay home, watch TV, clean the house, sleep and eat. I mean how boring!! Well, last week I couldn't go job hunting because I got bitten by a spider. Doesn't that suck huh!!! Well yea thats basically it.

Love Chapter Closed

OK well on July 2006 coming back from Mexico I met a guy named Juan. At first he would look at me then look away and start smiling. I was like OK whatever. Then my brother Carlos wanted to hook me up with him and gave him my number. He called me and we went out...I took a friend along because I was too nervous. Well at first I did not like him at all. He seemed too shy and he wasn't as tall as I liked, but he would call everyday and I wouldn't pick up. He called for 2 weeks straight, me never picking up. Finally I did. We went out again, and again and finally on November 19th he asked me to be his girl. I said yes. Things started OK. Then came the sex part. I was OK with it at first. But then we would do it almost everyday... it got to the point that I got tired of it. Then I went to Mexico like I mentioned before. Every time he would call me he would cry and say he doesn't want to lose me. I said "You know I'm yours, don't say that." Then there were many times I wasn't at my grandmas and he would then say "You're probably out with some other guy having sex with him." I was like "I told you I would never do that." Then me being sentimental would start crying, but my cousins told me... "If he doesn't trust you there isn't love." He wanted to ask for my hand once I got to Florida.. I told him wait for me 3 years and he tsked and said "3 damn years." That hit me and made me realize.. if we did hook up what will happen to us in 3 years. So I broke up with him July 25. We lasted 8 months. I gave him everything..and I guess he didn't appreciate it all at the end. He keeps calling me, to give him another chance, I already did. But I'm not going back to him. It's another chapter closed.

My 18th Party

Ok well as you might tell, I'm part Mexican. There this thing called a 15th part. Its like a sweet 16th. But in Mexico they celebrate either 15 or 18, mostly 15. I have always wanted my 15, but my parents decided to give me a car instead. So then they decided to do my 18th party, but I said no I want a new car. But still they gave me the party. I was like hmm everything came out the opposite. Well summer of June-July 2007 I went to Mexico to start planning my big day. The party was to be held the 14th of July.

So every girl celebrating is treated like a princess. They have to have about 6 guys to do a small dance. So the girl can be in the spotlight. I had 11, they are: Cesar, Luis, Pepe, Lalo, Chucho, Carlos, Geovani, Bam ban, Steven, Joel, and Edgar.

The party was awesome!! An unforgettable night. I thank everyone that made it possible. I danced and danced and danced until 5:30 in the morning. Can you believe that!! Lol.

Sad but...Relieved

Ok well it's been a while, and I've decided to write down a few lines. Well first I'll start off with something I forgot to write about or just never did because it hurt. Ocober 15, 2006. Unfortunately my grandpa past away. It all started with his diabetes. He was on this thing called a dialisis. It had something to do with a tube, connected to his body. With it they put a liquid in and out. Supposedly it cleaned his system out. Helped protect because his body was already weak. Well he got infected and went on surgery to have the tube removed. It was a succesful surgery. The doctors said he still needs the tube, so they decided to put it on again but to wait another week. The week passed, again the surgery, and again it was succesful.

That was about all I heard until October 16. My mom, brothers and me all woke up early excited because we were going to go to a Mexican concert. All of a sudden the phone rings. My mom starts crying and screaming NO NO NO MY GOD NO! I quickly ran to her and hugged her really tight to make her feel like she wasn't alone. And after taking her deep breath, I heard words that I thought I would never hear. Well, I knew I would but not just at that moment. She said " Mi papi se murio," meaning my dad died. I was like WHAT, but how, they told us he was ok when we last heard from him. I didn't know what to do but cry. But the tears wouldn't fall down. So the concert thing was over, and my mom got her things ready to go to the airport. She left that same day.

At first I blamed it on God. But then I thought..God saved him. He was suffering so much already from his diabetes. He's in a better place. And I guess God wanted him up there with him. It's been over 9 months, close to 10 months. I just hope I see him whenever my time goes to an end.

End Of a Chapter

Ok well a lot of things have happened. I went to Mexico on July 2006. This year. I had stopped talking with Jessica for a week then went off to Mexico for 2 weeks so it had been like 3 weeks that i hadn't talked with neither Jessica or Ramon. I came back and I realized so many things so I made truce with Jessica, then I found out they had already broken up. Ramon broke up with her for a reason i can't really say here. Then a new guy came in, Dayan. He was trying to get with Jessica. But then Ramon came out and said the truth and wanted Jessica back. So they kept asking me if it was ok. And of course I said I was cool. Why?? Cuz I'm no one to tell them they can't. Just like the first time. But Jessica as my home girl was supposed to say no. I forgave her for the first time but the second time I blame myself and her. But I let it go cuz I didn't want to stop talking again like last time. Like one friend who told me, "...ur friendship with her is way more dan a dude..." That's true. So they started going back out on the 9th of September. They surprised me because supposedly Jessica didn't want nothing with Dayan nor Ramon because she felt like she couldn't love anyone no more because she was hurt on what Ramon had done to her. Also she felt like she couldn't go back with Ramon cuz she had this feeling she couldn't explain. So yea that same day Ramon texted me saying that Jessica said she didn't want nothing to do with him and that he was going to go to her house to show her he ain't no joke. Jessica said she didn't want nothing to do with him and I told her that Ramon was on his way over to her house. Then she said she was going to come to my house because she didn't want to see him. Ramon texted me back saying that she wasn't home so he would just go to my house so I said ok it was cool because his sister was at my house with my brother Carlos. I began to think it was a set up but I didn't say nothing. I went to the bathroom and came out and Ramon was there. I thought Jessica would come first because supposedly she left first from her house then Ramon. I didn't have my shoes on so Ramon made me put them on because he said he had a surprise for me. So I did and he covered my eyes and went to where his car was and he opened his passenger side door and I looked in and Jessica popped out. I was confused, angry, sad, but at the same time happy because I knew they loved each other so I wanted them to be happy. So that day later on Jessica had told me that they had hooked up yesterday cuz Ramon went to go her house to talk but she said no. After thinking about it she realized she couldn't let him go because she loved him so she texted him and told him she loved him so they got together. This whole thing happened on the 10th witch was on a Sunday. So a week later, witch was on the 16th, Jessica said she wanted to talk to me so I said ok koo. Then Ramon calls me up saying Jessica broke up with him. I was like wtf!! Then Jessica texted me saying she broke up with him and I was just like WHAT!!! After talking with Ramon I didn't want to hear Jessica so after she texted me I just turned off my phone. I didn't talk with her for that whole week.

Ok I left this as a draft I figured I should finish this. Me and Jessica aren't friends anymore. Dayan kept coming with his bullshit and I told Jessica and then she came up with this whole thing of i gave him the right too. BULLSHIT!!! She should've came up to me...and in a way I should've too. But whatever after that I just didn't want her there anymore. I felt like there was a huge gap that wasn't going to be able to recover so we decided to let it go. I do have to admit though that I miss her because I feel like she was the only one I could talk to. But at the same time I just don't want to go back. It's the end of the chapter and I won't rewrite it.....

I Ask Myself When....

I’ve always wondered when the right guy will show up. But over the years I guess I figured I found him…but I never even had him. Maybe I’m just confused of everything that is going on. Ramon is with Jessica, and I have to say that things have changed between our relationship. I just don’t feel the same connections anymore. And it hurts so much to know that they kiss and touch each other. Its this feeling that I can’t explain in any way possible. It hurts bad, but I’ve always suffered like this, why? Because of something I did when I was younger. People that know tell me “You were little and you didn’t even know what you were doing.” Wrong! I did know what I was doing, but the temptation to do it more made me make the biggest three mistakes of my life. And for all of them I will never forgive myself. One of my biggest mistakes, is one that I don’t tell, I have only told Jessica and know I’m ashamed of looking straight at her. I wish I could go back and change it but what was done was done and I can’t change the fact of what was done. Even if God forgave me, I won’t forgive myself ever. And know my past shouldn’t haunt me, but this is something that people won’t be able to forgive so that’s why I can’t forgive myself. I can’t just wake up and say oh I forgive myself for ruining this person’s life. Shit don’t run like that and everyone knows it. But yea I keep asking myself when I will get over it, not about my big mistakes because I won’t ever forgive myself, but about Ramon and Jessica. She’s a big part of my life. She knows everything I’ve been through, well not till she started going out with Ramon. And well Ramon….he’s something I thought I would never find. The perfect man. Maybe that’s why I wouldn’t try anything. So I guess I will try not to ever speak to him a lot, cuz either way I’m connected to him because of his sister. His sister is going out with my brother and she is now 2 months pregnant and I’m really excited about that. But yea that’s about it with them too. Maybe I will just leave them alone for a while and just try and move on.

Hurting

Why am I put in a world where all I do is damage

All because of me the one's I care for can't be happy

I never meant for anything to go this way

I just want their happiness, nothing more and nothing less
Im in the way so maybe I should part
And let them live their life with calmness in heart
Im hurtin' inside and no one knows why
No one will ever understand so why should they care
I know it will hurt for some certain reasons
But I can't sit and cry all my life about it
I want them to give each other a chance
And let them know that I will move on no matter what
But till then they need to know
Thay they shouldn't walk away from each other just cuz of me
I think I'm hurtin' more than them
Cuz I'm the one that made the first choice
It'll be hard but I know I'm doing right
Cuz I will never help what other people feel
So when you two read this someday
Just know I was willing to let you guys try
And god if you can hear me
Please let them live together happily

I wrote these lines because of whats going on in my life right now. Like I mentioned before the guy I have crushed on, Ramon likes my home girl Jessica. I knew Jessica liked him too but she didn't admit it 'till Wednesday. The main reason they don't want to go out is because of me. Ramon knows what I feel for him and so does Jessica, of course. But I feel bad because they can't be happy cuz of that. So I tried to talk to both and told them that they should give each other a try and that they shouldn't worry about me cuz I know I will move on! I can't sit and cry all my life about it! Right? I just want the best for both and I feel like they really don't understand that. But right now we all in a big discussion and we aren't talking as much. But I'm trying to get things fixed. I got mad love for my home girl cuz she's been there for me in the most toughest times of my life and even though I put myself down sometimes she's always there to cheer me up. And for now that's all I got to say.

So Much Going On

Well, everything started on my dadz b-day. As I said before my best friend is Jessica. And I wanted her to meet the guy I have liked for almost 5 years (Ramon). And well she did on my dads b-day party. We were all there, and I kinda noticed Ramon would look at her in a way that you would like some one. I really didn't say anything about it, all I did was keep it to myself. Then my brothers b-day came, april 1st, and I would notice that he would flirt a lot with Jessica. I got pissed but I kept it all koo. Then it came to the point where I couldn't help myself and I just fell into tears. I never told anyone buy my brother Carlos the reason why I was cryin. And I guess now you can guess what the reason is. That he likes her, or atleast at that time I knew he did but I didn't dare ask him. So this was like a thing that made me think more about things. I figured since the beginning that things between me and him would never work out. And I would just rather be his friend and not go out with him then break up and never talk to each other. You feel me? Well on last Sunday, umm april 22, my bro carlos, jessica with her mom n broz, ramon, yinnette n me went to a sweet sixteen. There I knew for sure Ramon liked her. But then again I never asked him. Then I finally did on monday, april 24. He told me the truth that he did like her. What did I tell you!! And then I confessed I did like him and he said he was sorry because he didn't feel the same way. I was hurt but I felt happy though cuz I got things straight with him. And now I can just look at him and know the truth and just be koo friends. Now I'm just feeling straight and I honestly don't wanna look at any other guy but mah boii Franko. Umm I havnt said anything but I have one. But its cyber dating though. Do ya'll think thats right? bout having a cyber boii? I mean we make 2 months today and he hasn't abused of me and I will never. He lives in Mexico. But yea what you guyz think??

Things Gone Wrong...once again

Well, I'm late on this, but on Saturday, April 1, 2006 it was my brother's brother's birthday and his girlfriend's mom birthday as well. Well we gave him and her a surprise birthday party which came out really good. Well the guy I have a huge crush on...for more than lik 5 years...lols...went. Jessica, my friend I was talking about earlier, also went. Well yeah like I said she has a boyfriend and they had gotten into a fight so she wasn't really happy about dancing. I was dancing with my crush's sister all the way through. But earlier I was flirting with my crush and instead of leaving us two alone my friend jump in. So I was lik WTF and just left then. My friend knows real good that I really like this guy so I don't know why she was flirting with him. But yea the dancing came and I ofcourse started dancing with my crush. Then Jessica really not knowing how to, had my crush teach her and dance with her. Then later on I just left him and her alone and went on dancing. Then I was like ok where's Jessica and Ramon? They was sittin in the couch the whole time. Talking. I went near them like two times and they just ignored me so I was like fuk it then. So I just danced with Ramon's, and went my own way. I was thinking that maybe Jessica would ask for me but she didn't. I went outside because I really felt like she was betrating me. And since almost everyone that knows her now likes her better and leave me out. And thats exactly what I felt with Ramon. I felt like crying but held back my tears. But then Ramon's sister noticed I was gone and went out to look for me and cheered me up a bit. But she doesn't know why I was feeling upset. We cut the cake and then I just stood there to see if Jessica was gonna say somethin, but she sat back down with Ramon. So I went into the bedroom and then my tears were really close in coming out. My bros bro came in and told me wat was wrong. I told him my contacts were hurting and he said contacts my ass wats wrong! LOL Well he knows wat I feel and he had a feelin why i was upset. So i just cried and cried and he kept tryin to cheer me up. Then his girl or Ramon's sis came so Carlos (my bros bro) said that they should leave me alone. So they left and then I could hear Ramon and his family leaving and then finally Jessica came out looking for me. It looked like she wanted to cry cuz her boy had called and she didnt pick up. But WTF look wat she did to me and she tellin me her shit. I dont know wat to do know. But I'm thinkin I need to move on cuz i know Ramon probably likes Jessica. So yea I just uhhhhhhhhh I dont know wat is going to happen from now on.

Disappointed in Myself

Well I have been having so much to deal with lately that I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm doing bad in school. Well not too bad but I'm gettin a "C" witch I have never gotten before. It makes me so sad and I'm really disappointed in myself. I have never gotten that kind of grade before. But its my fault and no one else's. The main reason is because my mom has me working and I only get like 4 hours of sleep at night. And then my friend is having problems so I help her out in what I can.

Well know I just don't now what to do. My best friend is so much better than me. I'm not going to say I'm jealous because she deserves everything she has! But what hurts is that my parents say I should be like her. I mean come on, I want to be myself and not someone I'm not. Jessica aka my best friend looks good, has a boyfriend, gets good grades, has brothers that she always wanted, has good parents, and is just a really nice person you can easily get along with. Well, it hurts me because now all my older brother calls me for is to see how Jessica is doing, he never calls now to see how I'm doing anymore. My parents, like I said, want me to be like her, like to dress all girly. I know I'm a girl but I'm more into jeands and a t-shirt. But sometimes I do have my days and I am all girly but thats rare. And Jessica is mostly all the time girly and my mom wants me to dress like her. I tell her, mom I'm going to dress the way I want to and plus I don't have a good looking body like Jessica. She looks good and I don't so stop saying that. The other day on Sunday my dad didn't work for like the first time in a million. So he wanted to take me and my brothers out to the park and then he spilled the beans by saying call Jesscia so she can go with us. I mean WTF!! Now it's all about Jessica. It's not no more Vanessa. Jessica this Jessica that. I honestly am proud of myself, but I feel like everyone around me isn't anymore and they want me to become Jessica. I'm me and thats the bottom line. I'm not going to pretend to be something that I'm not. All this just makes me go into tears and it hurts because no one is proud of who I am anymore.

Another problem is about school again, about my schedule for next year. Me and Jessica want to have all of our classes together, so we had almost everything the same. But since we're bilingual we take Spanish AP and want to take Air Force JROTC for next year. But then our spanish teacher told her not to waste her time by taking that class becuase she was going to go to college and she can major Spanish. So now she has decided not to take it. So I'm like ok wtf. We agreed on somehing and now she's ranking out on me! She always does this. I have never failed her and look at what she has failed me on. I want to join the Air Force, and she knows that and that going to the Air Force means a lot to me. And my school just started giving the JROTC classes this year. So I was going to join it second semester but she's like no wait for me so we can take it next year. So I told her ok. And honestly I need to take the JROTC so I can get my points and be ahead in the real Air Force. But now she has done this, if I knew she was going to rank out on me like this I would be taking the JROTC program right now and not be wasting my time. But its too late now because my counsler will get mad at me once again because I have changed my schedule so many times already because of who!?!? Jessica. I understand the other times she has ranked out on me but this really does mean a lot to me and I know she knows that becuase I told her! She has really failed me big time!!

Now everything has gone wrong and I don't know what to do anymore. :'( And now I just feel like giving up on everything because it just doesn't have a meaning to it anymore.

No Future My Love

I Feel like giving up love to someone I've cared for
He made things clear to me like no one ever has before
I've never like anyone like this until he showed up
Now that he's gone I don't know what's up
He turned me into a person I never thought of being
Now that he's gone I keep thinking that I shouldn't be living
everything had a meaning when he was here
Now that he's gone I wish he was near
I never thought of I would fall in love with a guy like him
I know there's no one in the world that could ever replace him
Everything was going great between us two
Until the day I saw him wish was July 2
I don't think I'll ever fall in love with him again
Because what went on between us just went down the drain
I wish the things would be easy like it used to be
I won't beg you cause I know you'll be the one running after me
You thought you could get me in bed on day one
But you never thought of me being gone
I guess me and you never had a future
I guess that's why me and you never went any further

My Grandpa

Well, i must say that I am really sad right now. Why? Because my grandpa is really sick and he has diabetes and he is 81 years old. Last night 11/21 around 7 pm I had an unexpected call. It was my aunt from mexico. She told me to tell my mom to call asap!!! and also my aunt. I thought omg wtf is happening. So I asked her what is happening? Is everythin alright? And she gave the phone to my other aunt. She told me to put the speaker because my grandpa wanted to talk to us but his hearing isn't really good so he can't hear what we saying. Well he told me and my brothers that he wasn't feeling really good and that he might leave soon at that he wanted to tell us that he loved us and that god bless us. I started to cry a lil bit. Later on I called and my uncle, my granpas son, started crying. He's a vet. so he checked my grandpa with his tools and told me he is doing good but he was crying :( Well he told me to please keep my mom calm and to pray and that we should be expecting the worse beacuse of his conditions. I wish so bad to be in mexico right now. I miss him so much. I want to be able to hug him and kiss him goodbye and tell him that I love him with all my heart and even though I didn't get to spend lotz of time with him I love him and I will always miss him :'( He didn't want to move or anything. But right now he's hospitalized and is being given oxygen. The doctor said he did all he can now all we got to do is wait but we have to expect the worse. My grandpa gave everyone a blessing. Imagine, I have more than 30 family members in part of my mom plus friends. I want him to be able to give me my blessings but I can't go to mexico. The right person that should go would be my mom. Its her father and shes been with him more than I have. I heard everyone crying when my aunt first called. All I hope for is that he gets a little bit better so that I can go with my dad to mexico in January. I just want my grandpa to live a lilttle bit more so I can see him for the last time :'( He means so much to me. But if he goes I know he will be in a better place. I love him lotz. And I want him to know that.

Well today is 11/22 and its 7:18 pm n i just found out the oxygen did good to my grandpa and that he had surgery done.

Same Old Stuff

Whatz craka lacking people. Lolz. Well damn people, I just found this poem I wrote about a kid I really liked. I forgot I had it. But I want to post it because I want to get what I thought off my chest and I hope you leave your comments. But before I do I want to talk about how we met. Well I have a cousin that ran away at the age of 12. She came back on Christmas eve 2004. Thats when I met Julio. Thats the guys name. Well he did hurt me bad. But you know what I'm glad I met him and I'm glad I got to spend time with him. But know its all over.

YOU HURT ME BAD
The day we met was so unexpected to me

I didn't think that you and me were meant to be

But for some reason I still felt something for you

I didn't do anything even though you gave a clue

I wanted to talk to you badly, about us two

But I was so shy I did not say a word to you

I told you how I felt inside and you did also

You said you would give it a try, a while ago

Now you say it’s so hard for you to try

But I know you never liked me, so don't deny

If you really did you would've tried

Now I’m sitting here for all that I’ve cried

And I’ve come to realize that you weren't meant to be

Maybe for someone else that isn't me

I know deep inside I’ll still feel something

But I can't just sit and cry wishing for one thing

Which was your love and after you kissed me twice

You respected me and acted really nice

Telling me we would have two kids one day

Making me feel all weird inside with nothing to say

I guess all my feelings are written here

So one day you can read and see how I felt then and there

But I only hope you made a choice that was good for us

Cause I said I didn’t care about what my parents said of us

I would of given anything for you then

Even if it meant given up all of my past but I ask myself when

When you changed your mine about how you felt about me

I liked you especially because you made me feel like something

No one has ever done that to me

But I’m glad me I got to meet you

Even after all the hurt you’ve caused me

Well peoples, what ya'll think. Well leave your comments please. Laters.

HeYz PlEaSe LeAvE YoUr CoMmEnTs

Well what up people. Ha Ha. Well I kind od still feel the same about life. But I really don't want to get in that right now well I have to say this. I really want a comment on this so please leave what you want think. I wrote this in Diamond'z comment and i never got an anwer so here I copied and paste it. Lol.


2-MoRrOw IsN't PrOmIsEd.... I NeVeR MenTiOnEd It BuT On OcToBeR 2, 2004....My AuNtIe, My MoM, N Me GoT AsSaLtEd..(i DuNnO HoW 2 SpElL DaT WoRd JiJI)...WeLl We GoT RoBbEd By DiS BoRiCuA...I ThiNk...OhH A BoRiCuA Is A PuErTo RiCaN....WeLl YeAh... He AsKeD Me SuMtHiN..So I DiDnT WaNt 2 B RuDe So I AnSwErEd...(My AuNtIe, My MOMz N Me Was GeTtInG In Da Car DeN n It WaS lIk 12 MiDnIghT {CuZ My MoMz WoRkS At ThE MaLl N ShE GeTS OfF At 11:30P.m.} N My PoPZ, My 2LiL BrOs, mY AuNt, My MoMz, N Me WaS gOnNa Go OuT N EaT cUz MaH AuNt HaD GoNe To Go ViSiT Us 4M NeW YoRk) WeLl YeAh I aNsWeRed AnD He GoT cLoSeR To MaH MoM AnD ToOk oUt A GuN...I WaS So ScArED....I ThOuGhT OmG DiS CaNt B HaPpEnInG AnD i WaS So ScArEd DaT i WaSn'T gOnNa Be AbLe To SeE My MoMs AgAiN.....AnD ThAt ExPeRiEnCe MaDe Me ThInK dAt TOmOrRoW IsNt PrOmIsEd....BuT aLl He DiD wAs TaKe AwAy My MoMs BrAcElEt, MaRrIaGe RiNg, AnD a BaCkPaCk...BuT DaTz AlL...So YeAh....I WaS ClOsE On LoSiNg MaH mOmZ n I ThAnK GoD 4 HiM NoT TaKiN HeR AwAy...WeLl YeAh...DiS Is LoNg So ImA BoUnCe NoW....LaTaZ

Life

I have to say I really do hate life. I mean sometimes its really nice but then at other times it just gets on my nerves. Well, okz today is my birthday. But whatever's. Okz, well honestly don't you all get to the point to where you just hate life and you wish you could be in other peoples shoes? Well today that's how I'm feeling. Life is so complicating. I know you all remember the day that you never had to make any choices and once you start growing you have to make lots of them. Honestly I don't feel like I'm 15....Well 16 because of the things I've gone through. I feel like I'm ten years older or maybe even less or maybe even more. I live in a rich area place. I'm definitely not rich. But the people here always be talking about how much they have money and what can they by themselves and al that stuff. They are preps.... I honeslty hate that...No offense.... But I do....But that's my opinion. Well I almost lost my brother. He's a marine and well he's in Iraq right now. He will not come back until April or May 2006. :'( :'( :'( Well he said the car he was in almost flipped and well he was about to get crushed and he said his back was in pain but other then that he's ok. Well I just had to get this off my chest. So ima head outz now. Lataz.