I Ask Myself When....

I’ve always wondered when the right guy will show up. But over the years I guess I figured I found him…but I never even had him. Maybe I’m just confused of everything that is going on. Ramon is with Jessica, and I have to say that things have changed between our relationship. I just don’t feel the same connections anymore. And it hurts so much to know that they kiss and touch each other. Its this feeling that I can’t explain in any way possible. It hurts bad, but I’ve always suffered like this, why? Because of something I did when I was younger. People that know tell me “You were little and you didn’t even know what you were doing.” Wrong! I did know what I was doing, but the temptation to do it more made me make the biggest three mistakes of my life. And for all of them I will never forgive myself. One of my biggest mistakes, is one that I don’t tell, I have only told Jessica and know I’m ashamed of looking straight at her. I wish I could go back and change it but what was done was done and I can’t change the fact of what was done. Even if God forgave me, I won’t forgive myself ever. And know my past shouldn’t haunt me, but this is something that people won’t be able to forgive so that’s why I can’t forgive myself. I can’t just wake up and say oh I forgive myself for ruining this person’s life. Shit don’t run like that and everyone knows it. But yea I keep asking myself when I will get over it, not about my big mistakes because I won’t ever forgive myself, but about Ramon and Jessica. She’s a big part of my life. She knows everything I’ve been through, well not till she started going out with Ramon. And well Ramon….he’s something I thought I would never find. The perfect man. Maybe that’s why I wouldn’t try anything. So I guess I will try not to ever speak to him a lot, cuz either way I’m connected to him because of his sister. His sister is going out with my brother and she is now 2 months pregnant and I’m really excited about that. But yea that’s about it with them too. Maybe I will just leave them alone for a while and just try and move on.