Disappointed in Myself

Well I have been having so much to deal with lately that I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm doing bad in school. Well not too bad but I'm gettin a "C" witch I have never gotten before. It makes me so sad and I'm really disappointed in myself. I have never gotten that kind of grade before. But its my fault and no one else's. The main reason is because my mom has me working and I only get like 4 hours of sleep at night. And then my friend is having problems so I help her out in what I can.

Well know I just don't now what to do. My best friend is so much better than me. I'm not going to say I'm jealous because she deserves everything she has! But what hurts is that my parents say I should be like her. I mean come on, I want to be myself and not someone I'm not. Jessica aka my best friend looks good, has a boyfriend, gets good grades, has brothers that she always wanted, has good parents, and is just a really nice person you can easily get along with. Well, it hurts me because now all my older brother calls me for is to see how Jessica is doing, he never calls now to see how I'm doing anymore. My parents, like I said, want me to be like her, like to dress all girly. I know I'm a girl but I'm more into jeands and a t-shirt. But sometimes I do have my days and I am all girly but thats rare. And Jessica is mostly all the time girly and my mom wants me to dress like her. I tell her, mom I'm going to dress the way I want to and plus I don't have a good looking body like Jessica. She looks good and I don't so stop saying that. The other day on Sunday my dad didn't work for like the first time in a million. So he wanted to take me and my brothers out to the park and then he spilled the beans by saying call Jesscia so she can go with us. I mean WTF!! Now it's all about Jessica. It's not no more Vanessa. Jessica this Jessica that. I honestly am proud of myself, but I feel like everyone around me isn't anymore and they want me to become Jessica. I'm me and thats the bottom line. I'm not going to pretend to be something that I'm not. All this just makes me go into tears and it hurts because no one is proud of who I am anymore.

Another problem is about school again, about my schedule for next year. Me and Jessica want to have all of our classes together, so we had almost everything the same. But since we're bilingual we take Spanish AP and want to take Air Force JROTC for next year. But then our spanish teacher told her not to waste her time by taking that class becuase she was going to go to college and she can major Spanish. So now she has decided not to take it. So I'm like ok wtf. We agreed on somehing and now she's ranking out on me! She always does this. I have never failed her and look at what she has failed me on. I want to join the Air Force, and she knows that and that going to the Air Force means a lot to me. And my school just started giving the JROTC classes this year. So I was going to join it second semester but she's like no wait for me so we can take it next year. So I told her ok. And honestly I need to take the JROTC so I can get my points and be ahead in the real Air Force. But now she has done this, if I knew she was going to rank out on me like this I would be taking the JROTC program right now and not be wasting my time. But its too late now because my counsler will get mad at me once again because I have changed my schedule so many times already because of who!?!? Jessica. I understand the other times she has ranked out on me but this really does mean a lot to me and I know she knows that becuase I told her! She has really failed me big time!!

Now everything has gone wrong and I don't know what to do anymore. :'( And now I just feel like giving up on everything because it just doesn't have a meaning to it anymore.

No Future My Love

I Feel like giving up love to someone I've cared for
He made things clear to me like no one ever has before
I've never like anyone like this until he showed up
Now that he's gone I don't know what's up
He turned me into a person I never thought of being
Now that he's gone I keep thinking that I shouldn't be living
everything had a meaning when he was here
Now that he's gone I wish he was near
I never thought of I would fall in love with a guy like him
I know there's no one in the world that could ever replace him
Everything was going great between us two
Until the day I saw him wish was July 2
I don't think I'll ever fall in love with him again
Because what went on between us just went down the drain
I wish the things would be easy like it used to be
I won't beg you cause I know you'll be the one running after me
You thought you could get me in bed on day one
But you never thought of me being gone
I guess me and you never had a future
I guess that's why me and you never went any further

My Grandpa

Well, i must say that I am really sad right now. Why? Because my grandpa is really sick and he has diabetes and he is 81 years old. Last night 11/21 around 7 pm I had an unexpected call. It was my aunt from mexico. She told me to tell my mom to call asap!!! and also my aunt. I thought omg wtf is happening. So I asked her what is happening? Is everythin alright? And she gave the phone to my other aunt. She told me to put the speaker because my grandpa wanted to talk to us but his hearing isn't really good so he can't hear what we saying. Well he told me and my brothers that he wasn't feeling really good and that he might leave soon at that he wanted to tell us that he loved us and that god bless us. I started to cry a lil bit. Later on I called and my uncle, my granpas son, started crying. He's a vet. so he checked my grandpa with his tools and told me he is doing good but he was crying :( Well he told me to please keep my mom calm and to pray and that we should be expecting the worse beacuse of his conditions. I wish so bad to be in mexico right now. I miss him so much. I want to be able to hug him and kiss him goodbye and tell him that I love him with all my heart and even though I didn't get to spend lotz of time with him I love him and I will always miss him :'( He didn't want to move or anything. But right now he's hospitalized and is being given oxygen. The doctor said he did all he can now all we got to do is wait but we have to expect the worse. My grandpa gave everyone a blessing. Imagine, I have more than 30 family members in part of my mom plus friends. I want him to be able to give me my blessings but I can't go to mexico. The right person that should go would be my mom. Its her father and shes been with him more than I have. I heard everyone crying when my aunt first called. All I hope for is that he gets a little bit better so that I can go with my dad to mexico in January. I just want my grandpa to live a lilttle bit more so I can see him for the last time :'( He means so much to me. But if he goes I know he will be in a better place. I love him lotz. And I want him to know that.

Well today is 11/22 and its 7:18 pm n i just found out the oxygen did good to my grandpa and that he had surgery done.

Same Old Stuff

Whatz craka lacking people. Lolz. Well damn people, I just found this poem I wrote about a kid I really liked. I forgot I had it. But I want to post it because I want to get what I thought off my chest and I hope you leave your comments. But before I do I want to talk about how we met. Well I have a cousin that ran away at the age of 12. She came back on Christmas eve 2004. Thats when I met Julio. Thats the guys name. Well he did hurt me bad. But you know what I'm glad I met him and I'm glad I got to spend time with him. But know its all over.

YOU HURT ME BAD
The day we met was so unexpected to me

I didn't think that you and me were meant to be

But for some reason I still felt something for you

I didn't do anything even though you gave a clue

I wanted to talk to you badly, about us two

But I was so shy I did not say a word to you

I told you how I felt inside and you did also

You said you would give it a try, a while ago

Now you say it’s so hard for you to try

But I know you never liked me, so don't deny

If you really did you would've tried

Now I’m sitting here for all that I’ve cried

And I’ve come to realize that you weren't meant to be

Maybe for someone else that isn't me

I know deep inside I’ll still feel something

But I can't just sit and cry wishing for one thing

Which was your love and after you kissed me twice

You respected me and acted really nice

Telling me we would have two kids one day

Making me feel all weird inside with nothing to say

I guess all my feelings are written here

So one day you can read and see how I felt then and there

But I only hope you made a choice that was good for us

Cause I said I didn’t care about what my parents said of us

I would of given anything for you then

Even if it meant given up all of my past but I ask myself when

When you changed your mine about how you felt about me

I liked you especially because you made me feel like something

No one has ever done that to me

But I’m glad me I got to meet you

Even after all the hurt you’ve caused me

Well peoples, what ya'll think. Well leave your comments please. Laters.

HeYz PlEaSe LeAvE YoUr CoMmEnTs

Well what up people. Ha Ha. Well I kind od still feel the same about life. But I really don't want to get in that right now well I have to say this. I really want a comment on this so please leave what you want think. I wrote this in Diamond'z comment and i never got an anwer so here I copied and paste it. Lol.


2-MoRrOw IsN't PrOmIsEd.... I NeVeR MenTiOnEd It BuT On OcToBeR 2, 2004....My AuNtIe, My MoM, N Me GoT AsSaLtEd..(i DuNnO HoW 2 SpElL DaT WoRd JiJI)...WeLl We GoT RoBbEd By DiS BoRiCuA...I ThiNk...OhH A BoRiCuA Is A PuErTo RiCaN....WeLl YeAh... He AsKeD Me SuMtHiN..So I DiDnT WaNt 2 B RuDe So I AnSwErEd...(My AuNtIe, My MOMz N Me Was GeTtInG In Da Car DeN n It WaS lIk 12 MiDnIghT {CuZ My MoMz WoRkS At ThE MaLl N ShE GeTS OfF At 11:30P.m.} N My PoPZ, My 2LiL BrOs, mY AuNt, My MoMz, N Me WaS gOnNa Go OuT N EaT cUz MaH AuNt HaD GoNe To Go ViSiT Us 4M NeW YoRk) WeLl YeAh I aNsWeRed AnD He GoT cLoSeR To MaH MoM AnD ToOk oUt A GuN...I WaS So ScArED....I ThOuGhT OmG DiS CaNt B HaPpEnInG AnD i WaS So ScArEd DaT i WaSn'T gOnNa Be AbLe To SeE My MoMs AgAiN.....AnD ThAt ExPeRiEnCe MaDe Me ThInK dAt TOmOrRoW IsNt PrOmIsEd....BuT aLl He DiD wAs TaKe AwAy My MoMs BrAcElEt, MaRrIaGe RiNg, AnD a BaCkPaCk...BuT DaTz AlL...So YeAh....I WaS ClOsE On LoSiNg MaH mOmZ n I ThAnK GoD 4 HiM NoT TaKiN HeR AwAy...WeLl YeAh...DiS Is LoNg So ImA BoUnCe NoW....LaTaZ

Life

I have to say I really do hate life. I mean sometimes its really nice but then at other times it just gets on my nerves. Well, okz today is my birthday. But whatever's. Okz, well honestly don't you all get to the point to where you just hate life and you wish you could be in other peoples shoes? Well today that's how I'm feeling. Life is so complicating. I know you all remember the day that you never had to make any choices and once you start growing you have to make lots of them. Honestly I don't feel like I'm 15....Well 16 because of the things I've gone through. I feel like I'm ten years older or maybe even less or maybe even more. I live in a rich area place. I'm definitely not rich. But the people here always be talking about how much they have money and what can they by themselves and al that stuff. They are preps.... I honeslty hate that...No offense.... But I do....But that's my opinion. Well I almost lost my brother. He's a marine and well he's in Iraq right now. He will not come back until April or May 2006. :'( :'( :'( Well he said the car he was in almost flipped and well he was about to get crushed and he said his back was in pain but other then that he's ok. Well I just had to get this off my chest. So ima head outz now. Lataz.